So, this is the “friendship” I recently had with an old friend of mine. We reconnected the day after Valentine’s (which is my best V-day memory so far) and at first I was just gonna watch Game of Thrones with him as we’d planned, but he couldn’t find the discs his uncle owned. Well, after about an hour in the living room we moved to his room to watch a movie since he didn’t have a DVD player in the living room. So we sit on the sofa and watch a movie but mainly chat the whole time which was awesome… I’m being serious not sarcastic okay. lol Anyways, maybe I sent mixed signals ’cause I got comfy and propped my feet into his lap. That isn’t sexual is it? lol Anyways, I started feeling lazy and wanted to lie in bed and relax. I had absolutely no intention to seduce. I’m serious. I’d not had sex for 11 months and was aiming for at least one more month. Anyways, we cuddled and he kept guiding my hand towards his d*ck. Eventually, I thought I guess it wouldn’t hurt to break my celibacy so we “did it” and I enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I didn’t “climax” since it doesn’t come easily for me especially back then. But, I really am glad I broke the celibacy. ^_^ Seriously am.

Anyways, this thing of ours lasted a few months. I was feeling suicidal before our hook up ’cause my ex and I got into it on FB and he said such hateful things to me. I did end up attempting suicide the week before Easter. And this “friend” of mine saved my life ’cause I worried my mom would think the fact I was “fooling around” with a guy and not in a committed relationship was a part of my suicide attempt but it wasn’t so when the pills I overdosed on were kicking in I took that into consideration and I got help, etc. etc. Well, before the end of February I’d gotten a VCH piercing which has been the best thing ever for my sex life, even for masturbation which I do frequently… hey I prefer masturbation to sleeping around! ^_^ Anyways, the day after I returned from the behavior center my “friend” and I had such amazing sex… so amazing I’m wondering if anything from anyone else could “top” that. I want him so bad again like that.. or better!

Anyways, my friend Lisa uses the word “virgin cling” and although I’m not a virgin I’ve never experienced anything like this before and I’ve never had such strong feelings for a guy that wasn’t even my boyfriend before. I figure it’s “virgin cling” ’cause of my 11 months without sex. When I lost my virginity as a teen it didn’t happen ’cause I’d been raped.

Unfortunately, why are men so hard to figure out sometimes though??? On one occasion while texting I was suggesting to him it would be nice to move into relationship zone but he wasn’t interested. But another time while at his house he brought up me mentioning taking it to another level and I changed the topic and started talking about a guy I met on OKC and then he looked offended so I later wondered if he was interested in a relationship after all.???

Anyways, what I do regret is letting him have anal sex with me for the first time in 3 years ’cause now I haven’t even heard from him since May. I’ll admit after my suicide attempt I went off my meds and became delusional and said lots of strange things … I’m not even sure what I may have said. Plus, on one occasion when he’d kicked me out but my car was acting funny and I almost drove into two cars at a stop light and would’ve gotten smashed on both sides, I walked down the street instead and hitched a ride to Whataburger in Pharr. Then I got paranoid in my delusional state of mind and believed my friend Karlos wasn’t coming so I walked all the way to H-E-B on Ridge Rd. Then I later walked to my friend Matt’s but no one was there and my friend (his sis) Clarissa showed up to take me to my car which I was still afraid to drive. So my “friend” uncle let me in and I was gonna wait there and get taken home but when his brother showed up an hour later he kicked me out. I was like I’ll do anything for you but he still kicked me out. I drove my car around the block but the brakes were acting iffy so I parked down the road from his house. I returned and banged on the door hoping they’ll let me in but they wouldn’t. While sitting on the porch I put my purse under the tree, my shoes, and took off my bra from under my shirt and threw it under the tree too ’cause I was obsessed with the delusion that I had tracking devices and was being followed. When I was “clued in” that it wasn’t a tracking device I put it back on and I walked down the street and a cop was there. He asked if I’d come from such and such address and I hollered “yes I killed their uncle” which is insane but I had this odd suspicion that he thought I’d been raped by the brother ’cause I’d thrown my bra under the tree but put it back on and I wouldn’t get someone in trouble for something they didn’t do. Anyways, that’s part of the craziness I put them through… more recently I showed up when their Mom just got home.. I was friendly to her of course but probably came across as a major WEIRDO LOL! I asked her if she would wake up him and his kids that were staying there that day so we could go to church. She came out and said they were asleep and I was like what about the brother and she shook her head no. So I was like will you talk to me.. Anyways, in my delusional state I did whatever was “clued” in to me so I started banging on the garage calling my “friend’s” name. She came out and asked me to leave so I did. I hope I didn’t scare his kids. So, now I’m certain I’ll definitely never hear from again.

But, that amazing sex was worth it, the VCH piercing, and the fact I’m alive ’cause if I didn’t have this “friend” in my life at that moment of weakness that suicide is I’d be dead. It’s just so hard.. this “virgin cling” wishing I could have him and it aint ever happening ’cause he never wanted a relationship which I knew but this is my first “virgin cling” experience and I didn’t foresee this happening the first night we had sex.

But, what really hurts is the fact he paid more attention to my former BFF’s FB pics and stuff than mine. Of course, he obviously didn’t like mine.. I get what he means I don’t expect him to “like” stuff he doesn’t really like… but it felt like she mattered more to him than me.. then again they knew each other better and longer than we did. She and I aren’t friends anymore ’cause I was so jealous of his constant “likes” on her stuff that I said I was prettier than her to him. He didn’t deny it so he must have agreed.. yay.. but he did say I sound conceited and forwarded the text I’d sent him to her. But my friendship with her is another rant cause there’s way more to it than this.

Anyways, this “virgin cling” is so painful to go through… wishing he’d still be my friend in real life or better yet on FB and real life or more than that to be boyfriend and girlfriend. But, we’re not a good match for each other.. I need lots of attention.. he didn’t like my constant texting about this that and the other. He’s not clingy like me.

Well, now I’m fixated on meeting a nice man which wouldn’t be a rebound ’cause he and I were just friends but a man that is compatible with me and will give me the love, attention, and affection I crave so much and will help me move on past the fantasy of what could’ve been with this “friend”.