I wish I could stop thinking of the time I was raped at the age of fourteen.  These memories have been plaguing my mind ever since an ex-boyfriend sent me hatemail a month ago.  He was upset because I’d posted a Throwback Thursday pic of him on Facebook referring to him and his twin as assholes.. but I also said they were gorgeous assholes.  Anyways, one of the things I’d told him was that I’d forgiven people that wronged me in my past and I suggested he quit being so bitter about life and do the same.  Well, that’s when he accused me of lying about my being gang raped at the age of fourteen and said I was a whore that would’ve taken turns with all those guys.  I’ll admit that really hurt me and he knew exactly how to hurt me.  In all our relationship he always said he believed me.

Earlier this morning I was recalling that night and the way while I was in the car with the man whom we’ll call Gustavo and his friends who we’ll call Johnny and Nacho (nickname for Ignacio) going to Gus’ house ’cause he’d invited me over, and I thought it was just gonna be Gus and me.. anyways long story short I’d runaway that weekend and Gus had told me he’d take care of me.. and I trusted he would.. I met him through a girl friend of mine… just read my memoir if you want to be filled in with all the specifics… so Nacho asked me if my parents knew where we were when they were dropping Gus and me off at his house, and stupid me I said no.  That was the worst night of my entire life!

Well, I often say I have no regrets because regret is pointless, but the truth is I desperately wish that night never happened.  I’d probably have done so many things differently in life.  I often think of the Back To The Future effect and how had that traumatic night never happened, other stuff.. the good stuff.. might not have ever happened either.. like maybe I wouldn’t have gotten with the ex-boyfriend I was with for 6 1/2 years because I might have been more focused on bigger and better priorities or something and had I not gotten with him my sister probably would’ve never married his good friend and my niece Xomae may not even exist nowadays.. And in Back To The Future when you alter any little thing from the past you change the whole course of history.  In reality, this is probably a way I accept that what happened to me happened and that I can never change it.

I used to hope to murder these individuals someday, but in recent years God’s love has shown me how to forgive.  My only hope and prayer is that these same guys will feel God’s loving embrace and not harm anyone else the way they did me.  That’s enough to make me happy.

 

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