I posted this in a forum I belong to for people that suffer from various illnesses and just thought I’d share this here. Fortunately, most people can’t tell when these “attacks” as I call them occur, but my Mom can tell.

I hate when I get these sudden episodes or psychotic attacks that come out of nowhere sometimes. I’m not sure what causes it but sometimes I feel as if there’s all this pressure in my head and my eyes scan the walls annoyed by the patterns on the walls and I rearrange words in my head, like we have a flower pattern on our walls so I say flower, rewolf and stuff in my head. I can’t stand noise and light and usually just take some of my meds for anxiety, sleep, etc and lie in the bed in darkness feeling frustrated. I feel as if I just can’t function normally as if I could never do things I dream of such as having a good career and a happy family. When this episode happens I feel as if I’d rather be dead. And I feel as if I want to lash out at others sometimes and other times I feel hypersexual and sometimes I have flashbacks of traumatic events from my teen years. It’s like all this is racing through my mind all at the same time. It sucks. Most of the time my meds keep me sane. This intense anxiety or whatever it is, is even more bothersome than what I experienced for almost a year from age 24-25 when I developed this adult-onset mental illness I have and was hallucinating and having delusional thoughts for many months before my Mom got me hospitalized.

Oh yeah, when I get these “episodes” or whatever it is.. I feel like I’m being controlled by others … but I know I’m not.. I know it’s just an episode. It’s just so difficult to deal with. On the plus side, they go away with my cocktail of meds. I just can’t stand getting them though. Sometimes I feel it creeping up on me and I take a pill to prevent it but last time it “hit me” was on Sunday in the middle of Mass. It was like “Bam” I felt it and knew it was gonna get worse so I left to come home take my pills, lie in bed, and come back to normal.