addiction, alcohol, alcoholism, cocaine, crack, crackhead, drug abuse, drugs, God, Higher Power, love, monogamous, monogamy, polamory, polygamous, polygamy, pot, pothead, sex, sex addiction, Twelve Step Program, weed
While eating omelettes I made for my Mom, Dad, and I somehow my Dad started saying he wanted to become a Muslim so he could have many wives. I noticed that he’s never been happy to have just one woman. When he was married to my Mom he cheated on her many times. When they were separated in ’96-’97 he had a girlfriend in Italy and another in Poland and was hoping they’d accept an arrangement between the three of them. I was glad my Mom divorced him in the year 2000. When they were married he’d talk about how his life could’ve been with Yolanda, mother of his daughter Desiree, and when he began seeing Bernie, he talked about how my Mom did things certain ways, as if he wasn’t pleased with how Bernie did things. Bernie later became sick with lung cancer and before she even died in 2008, he began seeing his current wife from Mexico City. And even though she’s returned to Mexico they keep in touch and to try to better understand my Dad I asked him why he couldn’t be pleased with one woman. He started talking about all sorts of cultures around the world, and I was like I’ve seen other cultures too Dad, he compared having other women to having other spices. I know there are couples that are polyamorous, and I realize there are many people that are deceitful to their spouse and live double lives, but I don’t see how an open relationship can be a relationship of true love. I don’t see how people’s bond will be so strong in an arrangement such as this, no matter whether they both “play the field” or the woman is one of many wives. I think the bottom line is he’s a sex addict.
Although I’ve had many sex partners in my lifetime, I wasn’t that crazy over the sex, it was more about the attention. Sometimes I got curious about how the person might perform in bed, usually when we were hanging out and I was under the influence. Most of the time I thought having sex felt like a chore, though. But, I also know how great an orgasm feels, but for me, that hasn’t been the best feeling I’ve felt in life. I know we all have vices and it’s easy to become addicted to anything. At one time in my life I was addicted to marijuana. I didn’t like the taste of alcohol then but I loved feeling high on weed. It took my focus away from everyday life and made me feel so good to be high I forgot about the pain I felt inside. But, one time, at the age of 17, I must have smoked some bad weed because it made me feel weird and paranoid, so I turned to alcohol instead. I ended up loving alcohol even more. The summer of ’98, when I crossed paths with the man whom I’d date, fall in love with, and be in a relationship for 6 more years, we actually drank every day of our first month together. I remember thinking this is the life! Each day I’d get drunk once again and look forward to waking up the next day to drink again. It should have scared me off when he said he’d “partied” his whole year being out of high school (since he graduated the year before me), but I thought it made him even cooler. Six years later I’d become really sick and tired of our lifestyle. He just wanted to hang out with the circle of friends he grew up with all his life and I just felt like everything we did had gotten old. I had fallen out of love with him and wanted more out of life. I was tired of being a girlfriend and wanted to be a wife, but he always lived outside the norm of what was expected from society, so he was against marriage. He said he did want me in his life forever, but that didn’t feel good enough. I knew then, as I do now, that I’m wife material. I’m honest, loyal, dependable, faithful, trusting, love to cook and am great at it, not that I need to explain my qualities. lol I should brag a little more… I’m beautiful inside and out, friendly, outgoing, compassionate. Hmm that’s all I can think of now.
For the few years after I broke up with this guy, I had a few “flings” and “one night stands” before I got involved with a guy from England through a furry dating site called Pounced. I actually dated him for a whole year and came close to meeting him in real life, but caught him in many lies, so that relationship didn’t work out. It took me awhile to realize the guys you find or that reply to you on Craigslist were just a bunch of douchebags. Some people seem ashamed to resort to online dating, but I like reading people’s profiles to see what they’re all about, even though they might not always be honest. I tried crack for the first time in 2009 and eventually got tired of that empty feeling because each new pipe hit is never enough, you always want more, I guess that’s how sex addicts feel when it comes to sex. I think my trip to L.A. to see one of my best friends for a month helped because she just drank a lot so I didn’t do crack anymore when I returned to Texas too. Near the end of 2010 I met a man that approached me when I was with my sister at Chili’s Bar and Grill in Edinburg. Long story short, he was handsome but wasn’t my type since he was wearing a cowboy hat, and I often went to Goth nights at Metro back then and dreamt of meeting a sexy Goth guy. We ended up trading numbers before we parted ways and for a few days he texted me sweet messages so I went on a date with him to Logan’s Roadhouse. Afterwards we went to H-E-B to get some cider, my fave drink then (and now, if I were to drink), and then we went to his little RV he lived in. We made out but didn’t go all the way because I didn’t want to go so far on the first date. The next day he invited me over and had made a shrimp cocktail for an appetizer and was still working on some blackened tilapia. The impression he gave me about his living situation, living in that little RV, was that he paid so much child support to his ex-wife, so I believed that’s why his life was hard. Over time I caught onto the fact he had a drug problem, and it turned out, his drug of choice was crack. We began abusing it often until it eventually became a daily problem.
I decided to turn to rehab and went to Charlie’s Place in Corpus Christi. While there, sometimes I’d try to remember what being high felt like, but figured if I can’t remember it wasn’t ever worth it. I learned about the Twelve Step Program and came to believe in a Higher Power, a power greater than me. Near the end of my stay, I got bored with the classes I’d already taken, since I spent almost a full 60 days there, and tried my best to learn to love the AA and NA meetings we had to go to every evening. After rehab, I spent two weeks in a sober living home called Winholz in Corpus Christi, but decided to return home. I began hanging out with a female friend I’d met in Charlie’s Place that was from McAllen. I started drinking again, and after crossing paths with my ex I relapsed on crack once. She and I were supposed to be each other’s sober contacts, but instead we started “partying” with him, but she snorted the coke, and he made crack for us two. One time I replied to a message from a 63 year old attorney from OKCupid and ended up getting picked up by him. He was grabbing on me and talking about how he didn’t like it when a woman strung him along. Another time we met up and “did it”, but after he and I went separate ways I left crying and felt disgusted with myself for not setting boundaries, because I knew I was worth more than that. It didn’t matter to me that he said he’d get me an apartment, since I figured he wanted it as a place for us to “hook up”. In a weird way, it was an ego boost, though, since I realized that even though I’m so out of shape, a lawyer paid some sort of attention to me, even though it wasn’t the kind I’d wanted. I kept hanging out with my ex and the new female friend. We’ve finally gone separate ways and I’ve been clean and sober since mid-December. I even gave up cigarettes. I feel uplifted now when I pray, read the Bible, and go to Mass. I went on two retreats in the past year and I realize God’s love is unconditional. I feel unconditional love from my Mom, brothers and sisters, and closest friends. Even though the rehab recommended to go to meetings, I’ve been staying strong through spiritual means.
On a side note, my next obstacle to tackle is my weight. I’m doing a little better lately with diet and exercise. I’d also like to add that I’ve finally realized it’s not too late to save myself for marriage which is why I’ve been celibate since mid-December too. Oh yeah, and if all goes as planned I’ll be making my Confirmation in the Catholic Church in June! (I’m looking for a sponsor too, by the way.) Yay!
Last, but certainly not least, I asked Dad why he’d called me a whore months ago if he doesn’t see anything wrong with polyamory and stuff. He replied he just wanted to hurt my feelings.