, , , , , , ,

I have a problem with comparing myself to others.  I know it could be worse and I remind myself of that daily, but it could also be better.  I’ve overcome many really challenging obstacles in life such as being sexually abused at the hands of others a few times in my life and growing up in a REALLY dysfunctional household.  I’ve had a knife held to me before and had to accept being raped by around six guys rather than be killed.  So, with that being said I remind myself that I’m a strong woman that came out on top and didn’t wind up becoming a serial killer because I’m sure the love and support people have showed me has really helped.  It’s taken me many years to heal and I have finally felt forgiveness in my heart and have prayed that those who have hurt me in life feel God’s love and don’t go on and harm others the way they did me.  I no longer feel disgusted with myself for that attack and no longer feel like a man would reject me knowing this past of mine. 

I have a really bad problem with envy.  I’m the same age as Kim Kardashian and just a year older than Paris Hilton.  I know many people out there might think they’re trashy.  I say we all have skeletons in our closet.  They’re both successful but coming from well-to-do families they are also at an advantage I’m not.  I’ve always appreciated having what I do but can’t help but want for more.  I try not to beat myself up for not having accomplished more by now such as earning a degree and having financial stability and being successful but it’s so easy to beat myself up.  I’m doing a little better by not partying and getting better at managing my money.  Once I’ve taken care of some debts I should be able to return to college in the Fall.  Sometimes I wish I had children so I’d have a better excuse for getting sidetracked from my education and career goals.  Most of the time I know how blessed I really am to not have any outside influences hold me back.  When I see other former classmates my age married and/or working in respectful fields like nursing or banking I feel envious instead of happy for them.  I know I need to change my mindset.

Earlier I also began to feel sad because I was reading posts on my childhood hometown of Eufaula, Alabama Facebook group page and thought of how that town and even the one I currently live in may not exist and may all be in ruins generations from now.  This life we live here on Earth is only temporary which is why it’s best to look on the bright side of life.  Thanks for reading and allowing me to share my thoughts.  ❤