I’m finally getting on top of improving my quality of life now ever since I began personal training last Monday and made a personal vow to be sober.  (I’ll probably make an exception on holidays or birthdays though.)  When I was a child I got so much joy out of the simple things in life such as spending hours each day riding my bike in between meals.  For such a big chunk of my life I found a negative way to enjoy myself which meant drinking so much I can’t remember lots of things I’d done during this time in my life.  People that don’t understand an addicts behavior will never understand me and these people may think it’s possible to continue to go to a bar and just have 1 or 2 drinks even if I can afford more and stop there but it’s not that easy.  Whenever I’ve made plans to go to a bar I only enjoyed myself if I had say at least $20 to spend if it’s someplace such as The Cigar Bar where $2 can get you each beer.  Plus I needed money to tip almost every time I ordered a beer since I believe in tipping if the service is good and I’ve worked for tips many times as a waitress.  The times I went out without sufficient drinking money weren’t pleasant whatsoever even if my generous friends bought me drinks since I prefer having my own money for drinks and not feeling like I need to return the favor to them another time.  I have no one to blame but myself for falling deep into the hole of addiction that led me nowhere.

As you all know I went to rehab in 2011 for crack cocaine addiction and while there I still never fully realized how harmful drinking again would be and didn’t believe it would lead me back to that serious crack addiction until now.  Drinking again really did lead me back to that lifestyle I desperately wanted to leave behind.  It’s taken me this long to fully understand that.  I don’t ever want to set foot in a pawn shop again just to make a quick buck.  Ever since I was in my 20’s I recall looking around at the type of people pawning their goods for a quick buck too and I felt like I was sick and tired of this downward spiral I was on but didn’t want out then as much as I do now.  I don’t ever wish to make plans for partying on using whatever money’s left over after my bills are paid instead of useful things I could obtain such as more clothes and healthy groceries.

Partying is no longer a novelty for me and is a part of my life I feel I’m fully willing to cut out.  It’s funny because when I was in the 8th grade I felt I was missing out because I wasn’t allowed to go to Teen Night at Klub X like some of my classmates.  Even though I used to hang out and drink with one of my ex boyfriends when I was in my early 20’s I recall looking at the section of the RGV Mag showcasing various popular nightclubs with the clubgoers and I felt as if I was missing out on something.  Since then I’ve had countless opportunities to “party” and have often taken advantage of those opportunities.  Now I have all the opportunity in the world to “party” but often feel like it’s gotten so old and has really lost its appeal.  Sometimes I’m so easily tempted just by a simple invitation from a friend because I’m so weak when it comes to this.  Again I’m the only one to blame though.

I’ve tried going to a church I like the contemporary lively style of worship at such as Rock of Ages Assembly of God hoping that I’d make additional friends that like clean fun but churchgoing isn’t a lifestyle for my much more liberal outlook either.  I suppose it could be a great new social outlet for me and church can often be very uplifting.  To me it feels like the type of people I come in contact with in the Valley are either party people or Jesus freaks.  I just wish I could find that perfect medium of friends that are more in line with what I want now.  My new life chapter includes reaching towards my 100 lb weight loss goal, maintaining that weight loss and firming up, and achieving sobriety.  Everybody, I repeat, everybody is superficial to some extent and I know I already have a lot going for me and aside from improving my health drastically and becoming more physically attractive I’ve come to realize I’ll attract a guy that wouldn’t notice me otherwise in the current shape I’m in.  I don’t see anything wrong with it because I’m also drawn to slim or fit guys.  Everyone has the right to be picky and the first thing that we notice is the outside which brings us to getting to know someone on the inside too.

Although I do realize personal trainers are also looking for their own personal financial gain judging by last Monday’s personal training session I know this is THE best thing I can do for myself right now and the money will be much better spent than any other possible uses I’d put it towards.  I’m sure I really can lose this 100 lbs in a year if I follow all the advice I’m given in person and on the website I have access to; and I intend to either keep getting personal training or begin self-defense classes in a year which would be great to know in case of an emergency.  Plus, it would be another great way to stay fit and will fulfill my long-term goal of earning a black belt.  I want to buy a bicycle again when I have the energy to ride and maybe even join those groups of people cycling I pass by in my car sometimes!  I want to open a savings account even if all I set aside is $30 per month and see much more of the world!  When I was a teen I hoped to take just one trip every single year of my adult life even if it was just for a week out of that year each time.  My only problem is my various different vices have prevented me from getting the most out of life and living it to its fullest.  Another problem I’ve had is not setting higher standards for the type of man I’d have in my life but I’ve learned so much about what I do want next time instead of continuing to make poor choices.